Uh-oh… PTCs are coming up. Alas, your grades are far from perfect- and you need a remedy fast if you want to keep that salted caramel ice cream after dinner. Fear not, dear reader, because we at the Super-Secret-Organisation-Not-Affiliated-With-The-Direct-Message (More affectionately known as SSONAWTDM) have super-secret connections with teachers and have formulated a scientifically backed list of things to do to impress your parents.
Tip 1: Find the silver lining!
Example: I may have gotten a negative score on my summative… but on the bright side, I got a Guinness World Record for the lowest summative score in history!
See! That doesn’t sound SO bad now, does it? If it helps, just slide in a couple of statements that make your parents nod approvingly. You may still lose that caramel ice cream, but they might turn a blind eye at dinner parties.
Tip 2: Keep your best work at the front (however scruffy that may be).
Example: Karl has a folder of English essays and keeps his neatest one at the front. When discussing what he’s done, Karl refers to his neatest one the most.
This one is fairly self-explanatory. If you have at least one presentable assignment, revel in it. Chances are your parents will buy it: teachers, maybe not so. Your prize may not be a mainstay, but you can probably make your parents pinky-promise a sundae before they catch on.
Tip 3: Dress for success (and act as if you have it too.)
If you want to make a good impression, it’s important to dress as if you’ve already got the whole ordeal in the bag. Great items include:
Slicked back hair
Golfer attire
Strange fragrance your parent wears to meetings
Greet your teacher with a sickly sweet smile and butter them up. Because you now look like you score hole-in-ones for a hobby, they can’t help but drop in a few good words. Speak positively about your work and watch as suddenly it doesn’t seem half bad anymore. Hey, you can settle for vanilla, right?
Tip 4: Extend your sucking-up to home.
This one might be one of the more effective methods, but it’s one that we don’t recommend. Try to suck up to your parents by doing some easy chores and working on non-existent math courses. You could indubitably augment said dogma by employing a nugatory appellation that you don’t know the meaning of here and there. High-Jinks with friends? Science experiment. Your favourite comic series? Classic literature. Is the sweet delicacy of ice cream worth this moral degradation? We don’t think so.
Tip 5: Hack into the school database to change your grades.
Are you a misunderstood genius? Have crazy ambitions? If useranswer=yes: print (“Then this option is for you!”). We can’t exactly share with you HOW to hack into the database: although, kudos to you if you manage to do so. I hear sorbet is a common prison food.
*Editors Note - DO NOT hack into any systems. You will be expelled.
Tip 6: Obtain a full pardon from the Prime Minister of India.
As many of you may know, getting anything under “proficient” is a federal offence. Therefore, you can raise your case to the court in hopes they will see the light. Battle it out until you reach the big guys like the Senate and the Prime Minister. Although, if you get it this far, make sure the Law School your parents send you to has good dessert.
Tip 7: Escape from school.
This one is less about impressing your parents, but you might get the same end result! Gather your people, and build your empire on fear and networks. Your parents might not like you watching mob movies, but it's essential training for this section. After escaping from school, abandon your identity and pose as an eccentric but beloved bartender in coastal England. Preferably, at a bar that gives its employees soft serve.
Tip 8: Drop intel to rival schools (and crumble the system).
If you don’t really want to go for the coastal England route, you can remain a powerful figure and sabotage the school. Hold everything they love hostage: sharpened pencils, boring lectures, and the salad bar at lunch. As the rival schools infiltrate the school, amass your fortune and unite all schools under your mantle. Although, once the police show up, I’d like to reiterate prison sorbet isn’t a bad option.
Tip 9: Stay home sick.
To be perfectly honest, you might just be better off not attending the PTC at all. Gorge on Ben & Jerry’s and heat your thermometer, anything’s fair game. Though your mum might say that ice cream’s bad for your throat, so, if anything this is a second to last resort.
Tip 10: Excuses.
Example: The void ate my work.
You’ve really done it now, huh? You’ve tried this whole list, and you STILL think you can cheat the system? Use the last resort? The PTC gods are NOT happy. The only way to restore the world to the way it once was, is to make tons of excuses and promise to do better next time. Forget ice cream, you better start preparing for an otherwordly PTC. Arm yourself with godly cheat sheets and prepare for the awkward discussion of your life. Say hi to your space mom and dad for me, okay?
The impressive conclusion
Well then, that’s our researched list (Source: https://youtu.be/dQw4w9WgXcQ, super cool NASA video). Because we talked to the most genius teachers in history (Source: https://youtu.be/MTW4sIL9Dpw, I don’t know if it's NASA but it's smart.) you can rest assured this list will guarantee your success. Whether you’re dodging your parent’s looks or a PTC god’s wrath, we wish you the best of luck in your quest for iced confectionaries. You have our respect!